There is a conversation that is happening right now in America. Contrary to popular opinion, not all conversations are good. There is a conversation about the “he said/she said” between Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford. The very mention of their names has already caused you as the reader to retreat into your political tribe. In the midst of that conversation, the collateral damage that is being done with our sisters in Christ deepens in silence.
Without commenting on the what I believe about the allegations against Judge Kavanaugh, it is apparent through her testimony that Dr. Ford experienced something traumatic in 1982. We should weep with Dr. Ford and pray for healing.
There is an ugly truth that is revealed about the testimony of Dr. Ford. That ugly truth is that the story she shared is much more common among us than we have ever imagined. I know because those stories are found within my own family.
I have a fantastic mother-in-law. She is a strong woman and a fierce defender of her family. This week, my mother-in-law shared on social media that 30+ years ago she was sexually assaulted by four different men over 30 years ago. In her writings, she shared that the reason that she is sharing her story now is that this climate regarding the believability of sexual abuse survivors is as bad as it has ever been. She shares that the reason that she never came forward until now to share her story is that hers was the “he said/she said” story that would not have been believed. Her exact words are: “The world has proven again and again [that] sexual assault victims are liars until proven otherwise.”
I have been in my mother-in-law’s life for half of the 30 years that she has held this secret and never even suspected that she had a #MeToo story. When her story was posted, my wife looked at me and told me she had no idea. There was no reason to believe that this pain was a part of her life. She carried this burden in quiet desperation.
Speaking of my wife, although her story is not as dramatic, she has experienced the pain of being a woman in our culture. Today, as we discussed Dr. Ford’s testimony, she shared with me her stories of being objectified. She asked me if I ever was followed at the grocery store up and down the aisles, or to the same checkout line, or even the parking lot. She asked if I ever ran to my car to hastily load the groceries and drive off. She asked if I had ever had to have a co-worker walk me to my car because a customer was making hostile and pointed advances. She asked me if I ever had to give a fake telephone number. She asked if I ever had to lie about having a significant other, and then watch as someone backed off of their pursuits as they realized that she was “owned” by someone else. She asked if I had to ever shop for keychain pepper spray or purse-sized stun guns.
Tonight, as we discussed the events of the day, my wife explained the circumstances of her past. She retold these stories in a matter-of-fact way. The deadpanned delivery of these tales revealed the cold truth that this is commonplace. The considerations she asked me to ponder are ones she navigates every day. I suspect that she is not alone.
As a husband, I was both enraged and heartbroken. My wife’s value is immeasurable and to think that someone would not recognize that value brings up a visceral reaction. The fact that I was blind to these instances is heartbreaking because it says that I’ve failed to acknowledge the reality that my wife faces and that my soon-to-be-teenage daughters are embarking.
The stories of my family are universal. I would challenge each of you to summon the courage to ask if the women in your life have experienced similar stories like my family and then brace yourself for the truth…the hard, cold, painful, raw, truth.
I would challenge you to believe these stories because the research shows that the instances of false accusations are rare. In spite of the rarity of false accusations, roughly half of the cases of sexual assault aren’t reported. Of those that are reported, a small number see charges or convictions. Of the convictions, we see the discharge of justice in sentencing is not always met (see: Brock Turner).
Here is the issue at hand with the conversation within our culture regarding sexual abuse and sexual assault: our mothers, wives, and daughters are watching. They see the rationalizations and obfuscations of what happened to these brave women are as prevalent as ever. The questions that are laid bare on their soul is: “If this happened to me, and I came forward, would I be believed?”
Our mothers, wives, and daughters of great worth. They are as created in the Imago Dei as the male counterpart. The ministry of Jesus went out of its way to elevate women to a place that they previously didn’t occupy. Jesus saw fit to die and rise again for women in equal measure that he saw fit to die and rise again for men.
The conversations we are having do not reflect that reality. The realities of being a woman in our culture are hard, and they are being lived out in quiet desperation. The daily concerns and challenges of women in our culture are real. Jesus does not smile at the observation of those concerns and challenges. If Jesus is not pleased with this, nor should we.
Phillip Larsen is on the teaching team at West Metro Community Church. He is also the co-host of “Ryan and Phillip’s Conversation Rules.” You can catch the show every Sunday evening at 8:00 (Central) on Crossover Radio or your favorite podcasting platform.
