Our day knows no end of the non-apology apology. That’s the thing when a person who really does not think he or she has done anything wrong says words including “I’m sorry” but the tendency is obfuscating an offense rather than clearing it. It is practically a professional communications category.
“I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.”
“I’m sorry you took it that way.”
“I’m sorry you were offended.”
These are vehicles for the non-apology apology. No offense is admitted; no sin is confessed; no effort made to right a wrong. The blame is placed on the other party as if getting hurt or being offended is not a legitimate reaction to being wronged.
Another type of non-apology apology is the one that says, “I’m sorry for what I said; that doesn’t reflect who I really am.” This does not portray the repentance needed for an authentic apology because the problem is what we say reflects who we are inside, the sin that lurks in unsanctified places. Harmful words might not reflect who we want to be or who we need to be, but they always reflect who we are. Jesus said this in Mark 7:20–23:
And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of people’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immoralities, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, evil actions, deceit, self-indulgence, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a person.”
Jesus says the externalities are not the problems; it’s the innards. You do not need to commit the “serious” sins of murder or adultery; foolishness covers a LOT of ground.
The Apostle James (1:14–15) writes something similar.
But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desire. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death.
The sins we commit are on our own. If someone is offended because of my sin, the problem is my sin not their being offended by it. If Thomas lies about Anita and Anita is wounded by it, the problem is not Anita’s. The problem is Thomas’s lie. Thomas is the offender and Thomas is the one who needs to repent and seek healing for Anita’s wound. The offender cannot affect healing for a sin they refuse to own.
It is true that one does not always know they have committed an offense. But when someone says, “Hey, that’s offensive and hurtful,” it cannot be ignored. And, while there may have been zero intent to offend, if an offense takes place, making it right is required. And making it right starts with the offender.
Biblically informed apologies require confession of wrong, admission of guilt, repentance, and maybe a desire to avoid such offenses in the future.
“I’m deeply sorry that I offended you. Will you forgive me?”
“I sinned when I said/did that. Will you forgive me?”
“In all sincerity, I did not mean to be offensive; I was completely ignorant. But, now that you’ve told me how I was wrong, I am sorry. Will you forgive me?”
“I am so sorry for my words. They do not reflect who I want to be, but they reveal to everyone including me who I am inside. I am grieved over what I said and apologize to everyone who was offended by it.”
After this non-apology apology was offered by Christian author Josh McDowell, Twitter user Rhonda Nagler suggested this biblically informed example would be better:
Okay, Rob, I think you’ve NAILED it. Imagine if he said “I am dismayed at how quickly those statements came from my mouth. They reflect a heart that needs to be changed and I beg for forgiveness from God and from others. Now I will be quiet and try to show fruits of repentance.”
— Rhonda Nagler (@nagler_rhonda) September 19, 2021
“Apologies aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future,” writes Kevin Hancock. We don’t live in the multiverse, not in a way we can access it anyway. We cannot jump into a quantum-realm, travel back and undo something we have done. What we can do, is repair that which we have ruptured by admitting wrong, taking blame, owning sin, repenting, and seeking forgivness. We can, in the words of the prophet, “[R]ebuild the ancient ruins…restore the foundations laid long ago…be called the repairer of broken walls, the restorer of streets where people live” (Isaiah 58:12). And, in the name of Jesus, that much we must do.
fides quaerens intellectum
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